


This Old Familiar Place

by unwillingadventurer



Category: Only When I Laugh (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 23:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15035990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unwillingadventurer/pseuds/unwillingadventurer
Summary: Norman has returned to hospital and is delighted to see his old friends again after so many years.





	This Old Familiar Place

Carrying an overnight bag and a bottle of water, Norman Binns- dressed in a pair of brown pyjamas and dressing gown- entered the hospital ward and smiled as he approached two familiar people who were chatting away quietly. The men were sitting up in their beds and were suddenly wide-eyed in astonishment as they saw him approach.

Norman clasped his hands together. “Figgis! Archie! I thought they were joking when they told me it was you two but here you are as if you never left.”

“Well if it isn’t Norman Binns!” Figgis said.

Norman looked at the two men he’d known so long ago and took a moment to inspect them. Figgis was sat up in bed, head rested back on the pillow. His hair was white, his eyes were sunken, and there was a walking stick next to his bed but there was still a twinkle in his eye and a cheeky expression on his face. Archie Glover hadn’t changed much except his face was more lined and his full head of hair was now grey instead of brown. He still kept up appearances with a bright blue dressing gown and navy-blue silk pyjamas.

Figgis smiled at Norman. “How about that? I haven’t seen you in…well it’s got to be thirty-five years and you still look the same.”

A shy smile emerged from Norman’s lips. “I’ve aged a bit, Fig. I’ve retired recently too.”

“You haven’t changed one jot, Norman,” Glover added from underneath his covers. “I would get up to shake your hand but my joints aren’t what they were.”

Norman laughed. “You’re not doing bad, Archie. We all thought we were at death’s door back in the old days and look at us now.” 

Glover glanced into his small mirror and sighed. “I’m worse now, Norman. The old heart’s not what it used to be. I’m a ticking time bomb.” He stroked his grey moustache, put down the mirror and sighed again.

Figgis laughed. “Get out of it, Glover! There’s still nothing wrong with you. There never was. Anyway, Norman, what you in here for? You look fighting fit to me.”

Climbing carefully under the covers, Norman made himself comfortable. He pulled out a scruffy old teddy bear from his overnight bag and cuddled it. Figgis and Glover glanced at one another.

“I’m not sure what’s wrong,” Norman began, “I’ve got pains all over. I had a few tests. I’m on all kinds of pills these days. I’ve got high blood pressure for one.”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” Figgis said, leaning over. “I’m on so many drugs I’m rattling.”

“What’s wrong with you, Fig?” Norman asked.

“It’s all this not being joined up properly. I’ve never been right. Now my body parts don’t work in conjunction with one another.”

“He means when he wants to move his right arm, he accidentally moves his left leg.” Glover’s shoulders started to shake and he giggled at his own joke.

“Laugh all you want but with the current state of the NHS I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s something in those drugs there shouldn’t be.”

Norman hushed him. “Oh Roy, the nurses do a terrific job. I’m sure things will improve soon. And let’s not talk about depressing things. We haven’t seen each other for over thirty years. I want to know everything that’s happened.”

“Not much to tell,” Figgis began, “Edie did a runner. Left me, years back. The kids grew up, all in Australia now. Mass emigration it was. It was like another wave of deportation to the colonies.”

Glover’s eyebrow rose. “All of them left? The grandchildren and all?”

“The whole Figgis clan. But it was probably a good time for one or two of them to be getting out of the country.”

Norman hugged his teddy tightly. “So, you’re all alone?” His eyes filled with tears. “That’s awful.”

Figgis shook his concern away with a wave of his hand. “No, don’t worry about me. It’s not like the old days when someone went down under and you never heard from them again. We talk online these days, on that skype thing.”

“That’s amazing, Fig, how you can stay connected like that.”

“Not always great. Last week I forgot to turn it off. The whole family saw me in the bath.”

“Well I think the internet is wonderful. I’m online a lot these days myself,” Norman said nodding his head with enthusiasm.

“Oh yes?” Glover’s eyebrow rose in suspicion. “I suppose there’s lots of that pornography about online.”

Norman’s eyes widened and his expression displayed horror, as though he was still the innocent young man Glover remembered.

“Nothing like that, Archie! I just meant you can keep in contact with people and it stops you feeling lonely sometimes.”

“Well Roy isn’t lonely, he has a new wife,” Glover said. “Jan. Nice lady too.”

“You needn’t sound so surprised!” Figgis waved his finger at him.

“Well she sounds lovely, Fig,” Norman said.

Figgis climbed out his bed, making a groaning noise as he stood upright. He made his way at a snail’s pace until he reached Norman’s bed and sat down. “And what about you, Norman? Did you ever get abroad?”

“A little bit. I went to Euro Disney and had my picture taken with Goofy. And had a few holidays here and there but it all got a bit hectic later.”

Glover smiled, leaning over so he could be involved in the conversation. “That last time we spoke, Norman, you were engaged to that rather scrumptious schoolteacher, what was her name?”

There was a guffaw of laughter from Figgis as he nudged Norman. “Oh yeah, Valerie wasn’t it? Oh yes, I remember her. She was alright. You were always engaged back then. They never lasted five minutes. Whatever happened to her?”

“I married her, Fig!” Norman held up his hand to reveal his wedding ring.

Glover’s eyes widened. “You married her! What, Venus herself?”

“Thirty-four years next month.”

“Blimey, you did get out there, didn’t you? And here was me thinking you were still living with your mother,” Figgis said.

“Not unless I’m living in a cemetery. She died fifteen years ago!”

“And you became a schoolteacher too, didn’t you? I remember in your last letter,” Glover said.

“Yes, woodwork teacher at Marley Technical College. Life’s been kind to me, Archie- wife, kids, grandkids, little garden with a white picket fence, and I got a car.”

“So, you learnt to drive finally?” Figgis said. “Good for you.”

“Not really, I failed the test three times, but Valerie’s a very good driver.”

Glover frowned. “Must be nice to have it all.”

“Don’t be sour, Archie,” said Figgis, “Norman’s done well.” He patted him on the arm, interested in his younger friend’s life stories. He’d always been fond of him, looking out for him and wanting him to succeed. “How many kids do you have then?”

“Six.”

“Six? Blimey more than me and Edie managed.”

“Only five pregnancies because of the twins.” Norman reached into his bag and pulled out his wallet, showing Figgis some of the photographs inside. “Here they all are as little ones. I’ve got fifteen grandchildren now, they’re all in this photo here. Sorry, little Molly’s head got chopped off in that one.” He started fondly at the picture for a few moments.

Glover folded his arms and looked to middle distance, not wanting to hear more of Norman’s good fortune. “Alas life has not been so kind to me.”

Feeling sorry for Archie only momentarily, Figgis decided to cross over to his bed by the window and sit with him instead. Norman watched on.

“We all know about your life, Archie,” Figgis said. 

“What do you mean?”

“Oh yes, the Archie Glover scandal,” Norman shouted. “We read all about that. The whole country was talking about it. Shamed MP!”

“It was all lies, Norman.”

“Oh, I never thought there was any truth in it, Archie. I said to my wife ‘Archie was a gentleman and gentlemen don’t do those sorts of things.”

Figgis snorted. “Do they ‘eck? Of course they do!”

Glover’s lip trembled. “You don’t believe me innocent, Roy?”

Figgis folded his arms, shrugging. “Now, I didn’t say that Archie but how you managed to be elected in the first place, I’ll never know.”

“You know nothing of the pain it brought, Roy. And I was completely innocent. I had no idea how that revolver got into the billiard room.”

“No idea?! It wasn’t a game of bleedin’ Cluedo.”

“Well mother never believed it,” said Norman. “You know it was the last thing she said to me on her death bed.”

“That Glover was innocent?”

Norman frowned. “No, that I should have been more like him- strong and resilient. Mother never liked Valerie either, said she had loose morals.”

“No one’s morals are looser than Glovers!”

Glover suppressed a sob and then shoved Figgis in the ribs. “Don’t jest. It was a terrible time in my life. People pointing, children laughing, old ladies hitting me with their handbags. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get through it. I’m sure that’s what brought on this ill health of mine.”

Getting to his feet, Figgis began to pace the length of the ward. “What a load of…you’ve had so called ‘ill-health’ since you were a child.”

At that moment, the door swung open and a young doctor entered the ward, shaking her head. “Mr. Figgis, I think its time for you to get back into bed.”

“I was only stretching my legs, Dr. Gupte.”

Norman’s ears pricked up at the mention of the name. “Gupte?”

“Oh, you haven’t heard, Norman. The doctor here is Gupte’s daughter,” said Figgis.

Dr. Gupte made her way over to Norman’s bed and looked over his notes. “That’s right. Did you know him, Mr. Binns?”

“Yes, me and Guptie got quite friendly, I don’t mean…that sort of friendly… but well we were…friends. How is he?”

“He’s well. He retired recently. I saw him yesterday at Dr. Thorpe’s funeral.”

“Dr. Thorpe is dead?” Norman said, his face falling in sadness at the news.

“Who’d have thought we’d all outlive him?” Figgis said. “Botched operation I heard. Talk about bleedin’ karma.”

Dr. Gupte folded her arms. “It wasn’t a botched operation. He had complications following surgery.”

“Yeah exactly, a botched operation. The NHS just covered it up.”

“Mr. Figgis!”

“No, he’s quite right, doctor,” Glover began, “some scandals remain unpublished whereas others…” he took a deep breath. 

Dr. Gupte sighed and turned toward the door. “Well I’ll be back later to check on you all, in the meantime get some rest and stop spreading rumours, Figgis.”

“Nice girl,” Norman said as he watched her leave, “much calmer than her dad.”

“And much prettier,” Glover said. “If only I were ten years younger.”

“And still old enough to be her grandfather,” Figgis reminded him. “We’re geriatrics now, mate and don’t you forget it.”

Norman stared upwards, ignoring Figgis. “Still it’s terribly sad about Dr. Thorpe. He was always kind to me.”

“Yes, we never know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee,” Glover said.

“I hope not yet, Archie. Being reunited has cheered me right up. I feel young again for the first time in ages, like the fresh-faced youth I was when I first came to this hospital.”

“I suppose it has given me a new lease of life,” Glover said. 

Figgis raised his fist in the air. “The three of us back together, the three musketeers! And if this should be the last meeting place before we’re called upstairs…”

“To maternity?” Norman asked.

“No, to the pearly gates!”

“Well, wherever you end up Roy, I doubt the gates will be pearly,” Glover said.

Norman sighed. “We’ll all end up there together I suppose, though I’ll be there with the wife eventually, so I may not be able to see you all the time. I just hope mother will let me share the cloud with Valerie.”

“Well, whatever happens,” Figgis said. “I’m glad we got to see each other one last time.”

“Not such a cruel twist of fate,” added Glover, “but a gift. God is smiling down on us after all.”

Norman smiled. “You know, I may have these funny pains and be on all these tablets but I’m quite…” he stopped talking and began to sing instead. “I’m H-A-P-P-Y, I’m H-A-P-P-Y.”

Two pillows flew into the air and hit him face on. “Give it a rest, Norman!” Figgis said.


End file.
